It has been a couple weeks since my last post. Arms are healing up. MRI is getting scheduled for my left shoulder and wrist. Still not a lot of fun to type but I have some thoughts that need to escape.
When I was admitted to the emergency room I weighed 186 pounds. This is actually a lot for me. I typically try to keep it closer to 165 to 170 if I can. After 12 weeks of cardio therapy I was quite pleased with myself. I had gotten back down to 170 and was well on my way to getting back into fighting shape.
After weeks of not sleeping, my motivation went all to hell. When my blood pressure started dropping but the cardiologist was booked solid, I took matters into my own hands by eating more sodium laced foods to get the blood pressure up a bit. Then I fell while running. These three things have contributed to me blowing back up to 188 as of today. I can’t stand to look at myself. I am ashamed, depressed, and just so tired.
I keep putting my faith in the next step. “The cardiologist will change my medications and it will all be better”. “I will get my arms feeling better and that will make it all better”. “Sleep will make everything better”…and on, and on, and on…. Each magical next step leads to me being disappointed. It’s my own fault and I know this.
The other part of what seems to be happening now is with regards to my job. I used to be great at my job (I thought). I got praise from my bosses and employees alike. I was the go to guy for everything. Now, I sit here, waiting… am I going to get a new assignment that makes me feel like I am worth something again? Is everyone afraid to kill me if they make me work? With no sleep, am all I going to do is turn out shit anyway?
Depression just comes and goes. Lack of sleep is a huge component of this. I am painfully aware of this fact.
Sorry, nothing to lighten up the mood of this article. Just tired of being tired.