I apologize to my wife for this article as she is a private person and I know this will embarrass her a bit. But I must remind everyone that this is a cautionary tale. This is a warning to those that have an opportunity to avoid these things.
Every day sees me come closer to terms with my scars. This is one of those untold stories that people don’t share. There is a lot of turmoil one goes through dealing with the recovery process that remain silent. I will touch on those in other articles.
As I said, I am still coming to terms with my scars. The one on my arm is kind of a badge of honor. It becomes a conversation piece. It makes people ask the question about how it happened allowing me to share my story with them. The several on my chest, well, those are not as easy to come to terms with.
I have a a beautiful wife. After 21 years, I still find her very attractive. Every night at bed time, she puts scar cream on my chest for me. It is one of the few things that makes me not feel like a freak. She constantly has to assure me that I am not hideous. You see your arms all day long. The giant scar running down the arm becomes almost invisible. But when you take off your shirt to take a shower, the many scars on my chest still jump out at me as a shock. To be honest, it sure does make me feel anything but sexy. I find myself ashamed of how I look and assume that if I think I look disfigured and gross, why would my wife feel differently. Basically, what I am saying is, if I wouldn’t have sex with me, why would she?
You find yourself shying away from your mate (sexually). They think something is wrong with them. Really, it is your own insecurity. Communication is huge during the recovery stage. Your mate is terrified that they are going to hurt or worse, kill you if you try to have sex. To be honest, you are afraid of the same things.
Let’s not forget about blood pressure medications. If you remember from my previous blog on the subject, you will recall that I am on 2 medications that lower blood pressure to the point of being dangerously low at times. Try achieving and maintaining an erection with severely low blood pressure. Then when you struggle, you have to reassure your mate that it is not their fault.
Yes, chicks dig scars (so they tell me). But what good is it if you show up to the race with an engine that won’t start fellas?